joe bloggs

So. In figuring out whether all the functions of my dunked, washed and spun cell-phone (maybe I could write an opera and call it The Rinse Cycle) I had to actually discover some of those functions, having never used them before.

For example, my cell-phone rings in an annoying kind of electronic version of a sped-up Hallelujah Chorus - Beethoven would NOT approve. Neither would the composer George Frederick Handel - HA, got you there music buffs!

Anyways, I checked out the 'profiles' menu. I had seen it before but not taken any notice, thought it was a place to like, store black and white side-on photographs of my family so I could look at them lovingly on the little screen when I was away from home.

But no! 'Profiles' is for changing all your cell phone's settings, such as the ring tone. (Why isn't it called 'change settings?') So I found out my jerky annoying Handelesque ring-tone that had survived the washing machine was called Hurdy-Gurdy, and that I could change it to a number of other ring-tones.

Many of the others were just as annoying but I found a nice one called 'mangrove' that sounds like the soothing far-away frog sounds that come out of a swamp - while at the same time the phone vibrates gently, moving slightly from side to side, on the desk like some kind of primeval alligator stirring. Very swampy. Very nice.

I know, I could have read the instruction book back to front, but who gets around to it?

And can I just say: I know cell phones are getting smaller - but my fingers haven't shrunk any. I always mis-key.

You know what's going on - over time, having to work ever-smaller cell-phone keys will result in evolution causing human fingers to get smaller and pointier.

And then we won't be able to play the piano.




is it time for a nap yet? i think so